2 months ago
16
NOTE: You can also see a summary of my life’s timeline.
Society has long instilled in us the idea that there is a distinct natural order to things when it comes to life and career progression: you first have to study for years, and then you have to get a 9 to 5 job. If you happen to be indecisive about your career path, someone will decide your future for you.
And well, that’s exactly what happened to me back in 2007.
2007: I was 15*, and like most people my age, I didn’t know what I wanted to do — what I did know was that I enjoyed doing a LOT of things: journalism, music, computer, art, business, finance, science, etc. You could say that I was a ‘jill of all trades and a master of none‘ kind of gal. Nothing seemed to fit me and I wasn’t even brave enough yet to choose for myself.
This is why the inevitable happened: my mom made the choice for me (this is also what usually happens when you come from a traditional Asian family).
In no time, I was enrolled in a prestigious school in Manila, Philippines under a Bachelor’s Degree in Accountancy — a similar path that my older brother was put in. It was definitely a course that I had no interest in but I was all, “Meh, okay. I love numbers anyway, so it will be fine! And it’s a good school too. Yep, it’s gonna be fiiiineeeeee.”
NOTE: By the way, for those asking, it’s not common for Filipino students to start college at the age of 15. It’s commonly around 16-18; I was just a special case. And no, my family is not ‘filthy rich’ for having given me the chance to study at DLSU. There are middle or lower-class people like me who have managed to study there; and in my case, it’s all thanks to my mom’s hard work that she was able to pay for my university enrollment.
As I went through my freshman year, I came upon a sudden realization that I had an intense, blood-curdling hatred for anything related to numbers. I may have won math contests in the past but it was a different matter to study formulas to no end. I was also frustrated, thinking that I would do the same act of balancing sheets over and over again as a profession… So like a kick in the gut, I thought:
“No, I’m not gonna do this to myself.”
Thankfully, I was starting to gain more independence as well as awareness of the things that I wanted for myself. So after a lengthy discussion with my mom, she finally let me shift courses.
Whenever I retell this story to friends, I often joke about how I had to cry to her just so I can change courses — and well, that was true! Haha. I was young and my parents still had a great deal of hold on me. (And yes, you guys are my friends now.)
I actually wanted to enroll in a computer-related course but since I was in the College of Business, shifting to the College of Science was too expensive. I didn’t want to further burden my parents, that’s why I settled for the next best thing: business. I figured that I needed this skill later on in life, especially if I wanted to follow my dreams of being my own boss.
After a rigorous application, I managed to get into a new specialized business program of my university in 2009 called ACM (Applied Corporate Management) and it additionally involved a year’s-worth of internships. Regarding the latter, I got accepted into different multinational corporations such as Siemens, Nestlé, and Unilever as I ‘dipped’ myself into the fields of communication, marketing, and human resource management.
2011: I was 19 and I finally graduated from university. Much like what I said about the natural order of things, I was at the point of my life where I had to find a 9 to 5 job a.k.a. the good ol’ corporate/office job. Plagued with the fear of unemployment, I jumped in on the first company that sought to employ me: Deutsche Bank.
As an investment bank, the job position offered to me involved hardcore finance and trading knowledge. So yes, I know what you’re thinking… I shouldn’t have jumped in, right? Because I did mention that I hate anything related to numbers, right?
However, this happened just less than 3 months after my graduation; so at that time, I thought that I was already one of the “lucky ones”. A big company wanted me for their graduate trainee program; whereas most of my friends haven’t managed to get job offers or even interviews yet. Not to mention that I made a rash decision of living separately from my parents*, so I was in dire need of some money.
*Once again, this isn’t the ‘norm’ for Filipinos. Most children don’t leave their parents’ house up until they marry (some even stay with their parents when they are already married). But for me, due to family issues as well as personal reasons (i.e. my intense desire to be independent), I had to make the decision to move out.
So in my mind, when Deutsche Bank offered me the job, all I could think of was, “Why not say YES?“
And so I did — even if a part of me felt like I was making the wrong choice.
I just convinced myself that apart from needing the money, I also needed to reinforce my knowledge about finance and that I would use it as a ‘leverage’ for my future career — “it really wouldn’t hurt to do this temporarily.” Besides, I wanted to prove that even if I shifted out of Accountancy and came to hate numbers, I could still take on this kind of field and be strong in it.
I told myself: 1 year and then I will resign and apply for a job that I actually love.
2012: A year has passed, and yet… I was still in Deutsche Bank (DB) working on trading books. How was I doing?
Burned out. Miserable. Stressed. Confused.
I was the best performer on the team despite being a fresh graduate. There was even talk of recommending me for an overseas transfer. The icing to the cake? I became an Employee of the Month.
And yet… I was only earning about $300 a month.
It was definitely not enough so I literally had no savings; but of course, I had to make do. At some point, they offered me a promotion for the next year with only an $80 increase and I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. I also felt a bit of spite because there was a new hire I was training (and who even took my accomplishments to his credit) who was paid triple than me. He may have had prior experience than me for 5 months, but it still felt unfair.
Don’t get me wrong though, working at DB had its fun parts but it was mentally and physically draining. My morale was also low. I started thinking…
“Is this all there is to it?
What good is in this ‘interesting work’ if I am this unhappy?
If I am counting every hour until I could get home?
If I am counting the days until it’s the weekend?
If I am always waiting for vacation, holidays, or long weekends?
If I am wasting almost 5 hours of my day in traffic?
If I am plagued by overtimes and unnecessary meetings?“
It was my daily grind: I woke up uninspired and I was on a countdown of my life.
I was also gaining weight. I wasn’t healthy (when I get stressed, I don’t get thin — I get fat).
And then there are those conversations. Whenever people asked me how my work was, I kept a straight face and told them exactly how I felt: that it was an interesting and challenging environment, but I wasn’t happy. Once I finish, they always say that they felt the same way with their jobs, but then they quickly add the comment that I was going to be fine: I will be getting a raise soon and I was one of the best, so it will all be “worth it” in the end.
For some reason, we seem to be on an unending cycle where we convince one another that it will all get better. But in the back of my mind, I know that it won’t. It was a rat race — an endless, self-defeating, and pointless pursuit.
Of course, I know that this office work/profession seemed to work for others (it was their passion) but for me… it just didn’t work at all.
So after a while, I started voicing out my ideas for resignation (I wanted to try doing online marketing) or going on a long break (because I always wanted to travel). But again, people, much like the rest of society — made me hesitate. They said:
- I should cling to what I have, I am already ‘secured’.
…was I? I can get fired anytime. All of us are technically ‘disposable’ employees. - Times are getting hard. I probably wouldn’t find a good opportunity anywhere else.
…do I really lack the skills to try something else? - Traveling is expensive and can always be done when a long holiday comes.
…the waiting game again? Those ‘long holidays’ rarely come and it even saddens me that traveling is painted in that light.
.
Even if I had this number of retorts in my head, I couldn’t say a thing because I was being fed with fear. I was told to settle and wait.
So I couldn’t do it… I was far too conditioned to hesitate. BUT I told myself that in the meantime, I should at least make ways to make my life a bit bearable until I can find an exit.
That’s why in order to cope with the stress, I decided to start blogging* again as a hobby — and guess what? It was a good choice! It was so fun to do and it was the one thing that kept me sane, happy, and inspired despite my 9-to-5 job.
I set up two platforms: this website (which was branded as a lifestyle blog then and hosted on Blogspot) and then a food website (called FoodieFromTheMetro.com, and which was more popular than my lifestyle site). I slowly gained a bit of a ‘name’ for myself online in the Philippines through these websites, so I often had invitations from establishments and resorts to visit and review them for free.
But then again, blogging required traveling and taking absences at work… which was almost impossible for me to get! As such, surely my resolve to quit my job was strengthened as I realized more and more how much better it could be if I could control my own time and if I didn’t have to ask someone to get some time off.
Do you realize how ridiculous that was? That you actually have to ask someone just to have a break!
I was no longer thinking of quitting and finding another job in a field that I liked; I was thinking more of quitting the corporate scene altogether because I knew that having an office job would never help me achieve the freedom that I wanted.
The only looming question though was: HOW?
How can I quit my job and travel the world and actually LIVE?
As if life heard my plea, I started meeting people outside of my corporate circle through blogging events. I even started to meet folks from abroad and they were backpackers, entrepreneurs, or nomads who were able to travel the world as they did the things that they LOVED. In fact, it was the first time that I heard of the term: digital nomad.
Naturally, these people inspired me because their lifestyle and profession were the exact things that I would have loved to do! We continued to exchange stories and I started to get envious of their lifestyle and experiences in a very positive way.
When it was time to talk about me, other than the other interesting stories of my life, I told them how I felt about my 9 to 5 job. I answered them truthfully, much like how I answered everyone else, and what happened next… was amazing!
ALL of them advised me to quit if I really wanted to, and they even gave me ideas on what I could do afterward based on my interests, skills, and passions.
It was REFRESHING!
Finally, I met people who did NOT feed me fear and who did not make me hesitate, instead: they encouraged me to embrace fear, to be different, to be released from the old concept of financial security, and to take the leap!
This was also the period when I met one of my closest friends today. He was already a digital nomad himself when we met and it was actually thanks to him that the nomadic chapter of my life was finally ushered into motion. The moment that triggered this change was a bit of a funny occurrence… but all the same, unique.
You see, one day, we had an earnest conversation and he asked me how I truly felt about my life and my job. For the first time in months, I couldn’t keep a straight face.
I cried.
…To be more accurate, I bawled my eyes and heart out like a child.
It seemed like every emotion that I was keeping inside of me finally leaked through and it hit me that:
“This is it! It’s enough. It’s time to STOP.”
You see, I’m not an emotional person. I know that if I cry because of a negative topic, it means that it HAS already reached a level of extreme seriousness! (Remember how I had to cry to my mom just so I could shift courses?) That’s why this time around, I figured that it had reached this point because I was already too frustrated, and meeting people like him who have full control of their lives while following their passions made me see how I can do the same — and yet, I was too scared to do it!
In some way, I was angry at myself for being like that.
Now, of course, as I said above, the idea of resigning and applying for a marketing position in another company had crossed my mind because a marketing job would probably keep me inspired (as per my previous training with other companies, etc.). HOWEVER, the thought that I would be kept inside an office again, working for someone else, and serving a 9 to 5 job (possibly with even more hours) suffocated me.
It just felt like another trap.
I’ve already experienced enough of the 9-to-5 grind and having been exposed to the existence of how I could travel the world had already made the corporate life pale so much in comparison — especially because I was fired up with the idea of finally working for myself.
In the end, I told myself that:
- I don’t want to hate myself or my life anymore. I want to love and enjoy life.
- I don’t want to live in constant fear and waste away my early 20s. I want to have the courage to live boldly and to live each day to the fullest.
- I don’t want society or anybody else to dictate what I have to do. I want to follow my own desires.
- I don’t want to settle. I want to get what I deserve and what I want.
- I don’t want to work for someone else or slave myself for a corporation just ‘to get by’. I want to work for myself and not be led by money.
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I voiced out these thoughts to my mom and much like any big life choices that I have made before, this one was a huge struggle for her. Probably the worst too because working online was a novel concept at that time, and I’m sure she thought that I was flushing my future down the toilet… as well as wasting the years of effort that she did to put me into school. After all, she did all she could so that I could get the formal education that I needed.
I totally understood this and I felt guilty. Oh boy, I sure did… but I knew that this shouldn’t deter me (nor should it deter you too). It may seem selfish but I know that it’s never a child’s fault. Parents, at the very core, know that it’s their responsibility and that they only want the best for their kids — and my decision to change my profession and lifestyle is what I wanted best. It’s what would make me happy; and what makes me happy, will make my parents happy. Even more so when I succeed and pay it forward. Besides, in the first place, my education will never be wasted, it was just changing form.
Also, in our culture, decisions like these almost always have to go through one’s parents because you somehow need their ‘blessing‘. Most Filipinos do it for approval; but for me, I do it as a sign of respect. Besides, if she objected to my plans, I think she also knows that I was at the part of my adulthood where I would have done it nonetheless; so, I guess a part of her was just thankful that I told her. And I am just so glad that my mom found it in herself to let me go and not be angry about it — and for that, I will be forever thankful for her.
English (US) · 